August 24, 2024
{ Listen to this post here }
I’m baaack!
What a year it’s been so far. In a great way.
Too much to get into now and that’s not why I’m here…
I’m here writing to you this evening from my bathtub (yes, you read that correctly) because of the day I’ve had.
Full details of what led to the stress break of today aren’t necessary, but what is necessary to know is the amount of things I am currently taking on at this very moment. In this lusty month of…August. (Camelot reference anyone?)
I am still working a full time job as an event curator and producer for an incredible company called Flaweless. (You should check them out by the way. Seriously!) And while it is a bit of a “slower” season during the summer, that certainly doesn’t mean that there isn’t still a ton to do and catch up on and move ahead.
I am currently in rehearsals (!!!) for a full-orchestra concert production of Hello, Dolly! playing Irene Molloy (another dream show and dream role - someone pinch me) here in New York City this fall. (More information about that here, if you’re interested.)
Oh! And my brother and future sister-in-law are getting married back in my hometown NEXT MONTH!! On their own property, and I’m the maid of honor :), so there’s certainly a lot to do there and it’s all hands on deck.
But back to the show… Did you notice that? ;)
If you recall from previous announcements on social or just know me well, you know that my last show - my last opportunity to perform on stage! - was over two years ago at this point. (Don’t ask me why that tends to be the trend in my career up till now…it just does.) Two years.
I’ve been active. I’ve been pursuing. But also, life happens.
I’ve also been healing. I’ve also been learning. I’ve also been establishing myself in a new position, a new field. I’ve also been expanding my network of people and experiences. I’ve also been exploring. And enjoying.
However, with all that has also come a level of passivity towards certain other things. A lack of pursuit in areas that seem to have a mental block of sorts, for one reason or another.
(I mean we can’t be expected to keep all the plates spinning all the time, can we?!)
I have most definitely followed through with my word of the year this year - intention.
Sure, some seasons have been better than others, but it has already been such a year of success and forward movement and decisions and structure. And I am loving that so much. I am so grateful for it.
This month has proven to be no exception because the second I booked this new show, man did my butt get kicked into high gear with the things I’ve been passive on for a liiiiittle too long!
God handed me this beautiful gift and I wasn’t going to let it pass me by.
Since this show was going to provide me with an opportunity to sing (in a leading role!) here in New York, I decided I wanted to seize the moment and invite some new industry professionals to come see my work. I have been “seeking” representation since leaving my last agency back in 2019, but had yet to actually do anything about it.
Here we are at one of my mental blocks, like I said…I just didn’t know where to start.
I “didn’t have the time.”
I didn’t…want to get rejected…
But now, I was going to do it. There was literally no reason not to.
Except! There were now several things in my “actor package” (if you will) that needed to change. Well..pretty much everything needed changed, adjusted, updated, or revamped. A true snowball affect.
I had finally gotten new headshots taken back in May. A goal of mine this year that I was ecstatic to accomplish!
My previous ones were, dare I say, twelve years old…eek. It was another mental block for me, I’m telling you…there’s just a lot that goes into getting headshots taken and it can be quite overwhelming. If you’ve been there, you know.
I had looked into getting them taken back in 2019, picked a photographer and everything, but then I procrastinated and then we were hit with a pandemic and I didn’t feel like myself or feel like I looked like myself. And the mental block got worse.
But this year, in my year of intention, I got the mental health in shape, I got the physical health in shape, and I finally did it. I was so proud.
So…the shots were taken, but nowwww I had yet to narrow them down, make a selection, and get them edited, formatted, and printed. And with this new version of Rachael’s “head” came the need for a new overall “Rachael Scarr rebranding”.
Rachael Scarr the actor, now. Not Rachael Scarr the actor who just graduated college. 11 YEARS AGO!!!! Like, hello..a lot has changed. A lifetime has been lived (…or several).
The resume needed redone, the business cards needed redone, the website NEEDED redone. I needed to officially step into this next phase of my career and hop on this new trajectory. No more half-assing it or leaving it on some perpetual to do list.
So allllll of that has led to an exorbitant amount of things needing to get done in a very short amount of time. Because now, there was a deadline. The show!
And also…now, I had fire. I had excitement. I had motivation.
Anyway…I say all this to say, that with all of these wonderful things compounding on top of each other - the show, the job, the acting career, the WEDDING!! - I reached a point this morning where I literally could not function.
It wasn’t a panic attack. I know those well. Or at least it hadn’t fully escalated to that yet, but was certainly in the same family.
It was more of a mental spin and a body freeze. My brain was pulsing with words and tasks, but my mouth and my fingers couldn’t connect the dots.
I was shutting down.
So.
What did I do.
Literally everything.
I pride myself on self-care. I pride myself on knowing myself. On trusting my instincts. (Again, sometimes I’m better at this than others, but it’s an incredible skill to practice, over and over.)
So I took care of myself. And I tried everything —
An aimless walk.
A therapy session.
A little treat at a cafe with some uninterrupted quiet time. A hot cup of herbal tea.
Grounding myself in the grass as I lay on a hill in the park in the sunshine.
A Headspace meditation with concentrated breathing.
A cry.
A nap.
A soothing scented candle.
A large glass of ice water.
A quick conversation with a loved one.
Another walk.
A prayer for helping me release the worry and focus on reality.
Simply shutting my computer and turning off my brain for a bit.
Singing out loud alone to my favorite song.
Cooking myself a simple, cozy, nourishing meal.
Watching some easy television.
Saying no to a last minute proposed social plan.
Reading a book.
And now - taking a bath.
And writing.
I actually activated all of these today.
I needed it. My body needed it. It needed some reminding and it needed some care.
I wouldn’t have thought to write about this day per se…it wasn’t necessarily the best day and it certainly didn’t seem prolific in any way…
But in meeting with my website designer earlier today going over different aspects of my website, it got me thinking back to the birth of this blog. The reasoning behind it. The motivation and purpose. I wanted to write about things that had left a mark, that had made an impact in my life. In the hopes of helping and inspiring others.
I ended up labeling ScarrGazing as a “self-care” blog of sorts, because it felt like a lot of my posts were about just that - taking care of and acknowledging the self.
So, here I am. In my bathtub. (Yes, still…) Acknowledging the self.
I had a hard day.
A really bad, really difficult day.
One of the worst in a while.
And then, I took care of myself.
I did the things my mind and body needed.
And when one wasn’t enough, I tried another, and another.
I compounded the antidotes together to create one big Molotov cocktail and then set it off, gently…
And it helped.
Did all the worries and anxieties and tasks disappear? Hell no!!
But at least it has brought me to a healthier place at this very moment. Right now, I feel more in control. I feel more grounded. I feel more like myself.
And that’s what’ll help me continue to move forward. Continue to push, to grow, to be intentional.
Life is hard. It’s not going to stop being hard. So, we just have to learn how to process and how to cope. We need to learn what works for us and know that everything (even the stress) is only temporary.
The above is a list of self-care practices that work for me. I encourage you to find your very own. And then activate it.
Sending you love and light,
Rachael
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